Bastard Son

If I've rather difficult with you lately I apologize. I really have no excuse, other than claiming myself a temperamental asshole. Its not anyone, its the whole thing.

I haven't been doing much to lift my spirits I guess. Also I've never been very articulate with explaining things like these. Why do I have a blog again?

the best I can really do know is put my head down and go to work until I can afford to leave. Thanks for putting up with my crap everyone. You all deserve a hero cookie. I wonder if the still make those.

I recommend the new John Vanderslice. Its called pixel revolt. Cheers.

Jon

the long way around

there's something so demeaning about the whole going out thing. hitting the town, painting red, and thousands of other cliches for leaving your house. then what? coffee? alchol? drugs? all three?
my social ineptitude maybe be disapearing but its right in time for everyone to leave. i suppose that's fine. this is all just a lament of a seemingly lost summer.
summer dreams of warm weather, warm romance and adventure. i guess at least there's been some decent weather.
i guess it is entirely true that you make your own misery. i knew this would happen. i predicted it eons ago. i had the whole miserable ting planned out before i even set foot on saskatoon's spring soil. i guess the only reason i stuck around was to watch the goddamn thing burn.
my feeling told me to hit the yukon. join the droves of summer vacationers and claima new horizon. i supose i did eventually, maybe just to taste what i gave away. i stayed here for so many reasons. mostly based on loyalty, pride and flase promises i made to myself. but i shoudl be sad about it.
it's all over now and i feel almost like i'm being realesed and i'm finally able to experience true freedom....as soon as i can pay for it that is.
no one has ever stood in my way and thats always been my greatest gift. i've just been waiting for something that wont ever happen. its pretty crazy to stay where you are when you have thousands of options. there's no need to prepare. nothign can ready you for the unknown, so i might as well just take a running start.

Morning Reflections On this, The Day of my Birth

Waking up feeling bright eyed at 6am is not my usual self.
the day its self is not important and real doesn't mean a goddamn thing. Its the symbol that is important. That Symbol being me. Its a day to celebrate me which is a lovely thought and one should not be forced to miss any of this egomaniacal holiday. Tomorrow is someone else, its been some one else 364 days in a row and now, finally my name has been called.

from this day forth I decree that my actual age will not be counted. For the nest several years I am 20-something and it is to be left at that. Once I hit 30 we can keep counting again.

irony aside, I'm sick of having gimmicks. I'm too old for gimmicks now. That was a high school thing that lasted far too long. I am no longer the guy with the long blonde locks. Now I'm just a guy. I think I'm much better for it. But then what is a gimmick? Is it a personal philosophy, or is it an inside joke you have with yourself just to keep you interested.

new years resolutions should be made on birthdays, not new years eve. For me new years isn't ever have a new year. My new year starts today. Its 22 A.J.D (after Jon discovery). My resolution is to ditch all gimmicks, be kind to the ones I love, to seize the day...And possibly even quit smoking eventually.

Holding a grudge anyway

Nothing eats away at you like hindsight. Its a real bitch when you can be so easily guilted into saying at a place like this, but refuse to be guilted into staying somewhere of real worth. Why did I choose to dig myself I nice little hole instead of sitting in the sun? Thoughts like that can drive you crazy, especially when there was so much opportunity to throw down the shovel. Eventually you end up alone and completely out of sight. And without a guitar to boot.

so here I am, waiting on better times. Waiting for some kind of adventure. Daydreaming about all the potentials.

its so tempting to be here in the basement and trying hard to carve a piece out of my mountain of debt. Waiting for the right time to strike at the world. Its the whole waiting part really worth what will eventually come out of it or should I build the mountain higher and have lo-fi, big city, Canadian adventures?

there's too many traps out there. I cant get out.