Monotony

Monotony is dealing with the same product in a seemingly meaningless way, tens of thousands of times in an 8 hour day. My father said the most profound thing he's ever said to me today. "...That's why people go out and get an education".

These last 6 weeks, I've been forced into thinking about something I've never wanted to think about before. I still don't don't want to think about it, but as I say, I'm being forced. Not by a situation, but by outside influences and their goddamn questions. This dreaded topic is of course of personal long-term future. That seemingly cute question that never required a real answer, suddenly really requires one. "what do you want to be when you grow up?" turns into "you're grown up, what are you going to do now?". There's also no Santa Claus and Star Wars wasn't real.

The point is, that there is no worse feeling then being brought down to the effects of the status quo. I suddenly feel like I should go find a wife and a career. I don't want either, I don't need either, but everyone one else wants me to have them. The real problem is that I tend to respond to myself in the same way everyone else does and its bringing me down hard. I never thought that wanting a life of being a pizza boy, playing guitar and traveling would make people so upset. That's my best case scenario if you replace pizza boy with working in a record store.

Back to the subject, how do I get over all of this? All I need is to be content for the next 4 months. I don't want to work in a factory warehouse.

When I think backwards, I had it all figured out. Back in the klondike I had what I needed. I had a job I didn't mind, people I could really talk to, people to play music with, and even someone to share a bed with. All those people are scattered in either Victoria or Montreal now. I came home because I wanted to record music. For some reason it never occurred to me to follow anyone.

so now here we are, back at square one. Loading boxes on to palates, closest friends are all far away, no one in my bed, and playing music with and for no one.

It's safe to say at this point I'm up for suggestions.

Reluctant to find, he's.....

"my time is now wholely devoted to personal gain. And I feel fucking wonderful. How could I not really. In a city where the air never changes, you're bound to feel at home. changing subjects abruptly, what actually defines a functional alcoholic? I mean, its seems like it should be defined on whether or not your drinking effects your priorities. However, if you have no job ( by choice), and your only priority is to relax"

I wrote that, but never posted it several months ago after leaving Vancouver and arriving home in Saskatoon. I spent a month in my home town and the abruptly took off again up to the north klondike where I spent a wonderful summer. When I arrived back home this time, the story was extremely different.

Coming home with no plan for the future is probably the dumbest thing I have ever done, in contrast to coming home for exactly one month, being the smartest. Though alcoholism still may not effect my priorities, it still runs rampant. I am unemployed, but this time not by choice. As Bruce McCulloch could once be quoted to say "the only thing worse than having a job, is looking for one".

Though I am still mostly devoted to personal gain, the stagnant air in this town is starting to make me feel a little queasy. Also, there may be such a thing as being "too at home". Sometimes having pressure from an outside source in order to get things done is a blessing, and sometimes a curse. It can motivate, or it can make you feel completely and utterly useless and exhausted.

in short, coming home for a month is a vacation. Coming home indefinitely is a sentence.