Apathy vs Spirit -or- A Sudden Seemingly Meaningful Dream

its a trying experience worrying about so many things. that's really the only thing that would motivate me to write anything down. fear of never having the same idea twice. worrying about health. fear of worthlessness in the shadow of the great big everything. worrying about vanities.
not to sound dramatic, but fully intending to be cliche, there is so much in my head it may burst at any moment. i try to use music to coax out a reasonable thought. the music didn't help. the ideas just float around lost in what i imagine as a crowded sphere like room, packed like gumballs in the movie store machine, all trying to escape at once. now i worry nothing will be able to string together in a long ramble. i fear that no one will really care.
it may be beneficial to be a little more honest. in my writing that is. i have no need to be honest in personal life. I'm just playing a part anyway. if i could say what i really wanted and understand what i wanted and have the whole world understand along with me. there's an enlightened thought right there.
moving around as do, maybe I've been caught playing to many parts. running back and forth between so many circles and groups that i cant quite decide which part to play and when. even looking at my wardrobe, i find clothes from the era of Vancouver, from the Yukon, from Saskatoon, from Mexico, from new zealand. from when i had so much confidence i wanted to be everywhere. from when i had so little, i refused to go anywhere. from when my stomping ground was the crazy cactus. from when ryan and dann were my circle. from when i was with maegan and it was kim, the fjords and mat busby. dig it.
so what am i know? who even? I'm trying hard to find out, but with so many distractions in a place like this, it get so hard to concentrate and the apathy takes over. television, laptop, movies, fantasy video games. how can my creative mind top all that stimulus? it can't, why bother? lucky for me the fear and neurosis sometimes overwhelm all of the distractions and we end up with a mess of garbled sentences like this.
so where was i? by now, i'm stated that i'm neurotic, i'm afraid, i have acquired so many different personalities with so many different people that i'm not entirely sure who or what i am, and i am laden with apathy due to being surrounded with readily available entertainment. i should also mention that i have recently taken to dismissing things as "bullshit" or "cliche" if i feel threatened by them.
OK, then that's on the plate. feelings feelings, nothing more than feelings, and so on. i'm just trying to line up what i have so i can paint myself an accurate picture of whats going on here. now with all of this, there are also dreams. deja vu, re-occurring themes and phrases in certain days and incredibly vivid re-occurring dreams. the worst part, is to that the reoccurring part is about a person. a woman. either her and i being together and un-relentingly happy (dream happy), or her ignoring me completely (that dream style where nothing you can do with make them flinch). its hard to watch myself sink into this ridiculous obsession. like seeing myself slowly go mad over this woman. proper stalker mad.

now at the end with all of this out in the open (to me at least) i can finally see the big picture. now all i have to do is decode it. find out what is is i have to do to rid myself of Little worries and fears. somehow gets things back on track in order to know myself again. my solution so far is to abandon all of my possessions save for musical equipment, painting supplies and a backpack full of clothes, go back to the Yukon, build a house and either find that girl or get a dog. maybe both.
thoughts?
hmmmm........